Home Made Yogurt!

Its Very simple actually! and a very healthy desert!... even less expensive than buying it at a store!!

all you need is abouy 7 cups of milk preferably.

and 3 or 4 scoops of plain biotic yogurt or yogurt from your previous batch

Put the yogurt in a pot to boil on medium for 7 minutes. Just enough for it to boil but not over boil... you can use a thermometer to check if it is just right. It should read 150 degrees. OR just observe and if you see that the milk has risen to the top and you see a white film starting to line the pot its ready to be pored:)

pore it in to a bowl and let it set for 15 minutes. After 15 Minutes you can use your thermometer again and hope for 100 degrees, then its ready for the next step... OR you can use your pinky finger and test to see if it is warm but not warm enough to burn your finger. (luke warm)

take three scoops of biotic plain yorgurt and put it into the bowl of milk(try to make sure the biotic yogurt is room temperature)...

"its best to wait the fifteen minutes before applying the biotic yogurt because you can shock both the milk and yogurt and you will not allow the bacteria of the yogurt to set".

Trust me the bacteria is the health part of the biotic yogurt! so dont thinks its best to not have that essential product!

after you whisp the two together with a spoon, place the "soon to be yorgurt" in the oven that is already pre heated to 180 degrees.... you want to do this so that the milk and yogurt can set accurately. Leave if for 2 to 3 hours.. if you leave it longer it will be more sour, some people prefer that ... either or its your choice :)

after that amount of time place it in the fridge for another 1 hr or so and you will have ready yogurt :)

you can even add your own fruits or jam to make it more delicious!

Be sure to wisp it after it is ready to be taken out of the fridge the more you wisp it the creamier it will be!



added Buleberrys to mine! deliscious!!

Enjoy!!

LipStick Color

Nika Looks Impressed!!!

Bought a purple lipstick today! ... Thank God its in fashion this season, I love purple!

I felt like trying it on and posting it up on my beauty tips blog...

Its a drastic color... That I need to get use to and find the proper outfit and setting to wear it haha...

Im always picturing this color lip stick for fall! with a long black coat with high black boots or somethin!

anyways let me know what you think... or if its a nice color im open for any comments, and not afraid to read em! lol

personally though, I LOVE IT! :)

sometimes I wish I were a model lol..:(

day 2

Had

Turkey sandwhich with honey mustard for lunch
one glass of water.

three breaded chicken strips with asparagus
one glass of water

three cookies and one glass of water

total of 3 glasses of water :)

Not the Religion - Raymond Foss

Not the Religion

Not the religion, not the name we claim proof of our humanity,
our belief in love in the way we live, in what we do
how we walk on this earthhumble, good to our neighbors
reaching out to those in need
no label, no denomination
nothing to set us apartpart of our family
the whole human race
offered grace by the creatorin relationship
we all find our place


I would like to thank Raymond Foss for this lovely poem of encouragement and happines :)

Follow his blog raymondafoss@blogspot.com if you would like to let some spiritual poems in to your life! I read them often. A great way to pray.

I believe what I believe sometiems I just need a little support and other who understand thanks for the kind words in the poem!

Starting Fresh Day 1 :)

Today I had....

a small slice squared pizza (nonnas pizza)
then I had an assorted 6 inch sub on whole wheat

some home made yogurt

and then I had Celery with peanut butter....

total of one glass of water :( booo ....

WAS TOLD WHICH WAY TO GO!...

last night from a guy I dont even know, informed me about being in a relation with someone of another religion... its so tough ... I wish I had others to relate to.. but no one i know is in this issue.....

I love him, not sure how many ways I could say it...

But the "religion" issue is a touchy topic... I would never want to convert nor would I expect him

this guy tried to make it clear that it wouldnt work... and it seemed plausible at the moment... but as I finally took a breather and a moment to myself I looked in side my heart...

and said " God does have a plan for each and every single one of us beings on Earth... and my hand of cards were dealt this way because it is a hand I can play...God is a good dealer you know... It's us who need to learn to play those cards right...and the only thing we need to watch out for is those other opponents... and I wonder, God Loves me! He loves you, and you, and you!... and if so would He judge me for being with someone of another Religion? So why should I let someone judge me?... God would want all of us to accept one another... and to be honest, I believe his ultimate reason for this ONE world that we of many races, religions, genders, human and non human beings were placed on... was for ONE reason... we are all ONE signifant thing to God.. we are His children.. and he would want us all to play and laugh, and LOVE.. and live together here on this planet Earth... and then we can rejoice with him in haven once we finally understand this."


I also believe in the evil eye... after this guy said this, I had many bumps to face... although I got and recognized that the evil eye was around me and the most important thing to do was pray to God,

and I trust God with whatever card He deals me...
Things will even out soon enough.

Insecurities Creeping up Again

dear diary.

Just when i thought things were going well, I was starting to feel better..I was wrong.

I took things to the next level again, got over worried and created a problem worse than it already was....

unless Im being to hard on myself?

He was mad, how could I be over analyzing?... he was I know it... he just likes to pick at my scabs...he wants to make me feel like crap with out connotatively telling me ...

I guess Im going to take the advice I was given, You live and you learn....
but how long will this lesson go on for?

day 11 better :)

November 19.2009
This morning I had three cookies and a bottle of water
after class..
I had a turkey sandwitch with cheese
at 5:30 I had a chicken meal from swish chalet with fries and water

and now im drinkinking 2 second glass in a row of water

total of 4 waters

by the end of the night I will attempt to drink 3 more glasses

letchya know ;)

Bad night... Great day with mom!

November 19.2009

Last night had to be the worsstttt night of my lifeee!! it was never ending! I just wanted to sleep sooo badly!!!


It was all going to well at first... I finshed My good copy of my health essay at an ideal time, and was just waiting for my Bf to proof read it... He did soo in a matter of no time it was at least by 10:00pm that published and finished publishing it byt 10:30pm... considering that I have school in the morning at 9:30 am I was happy with the early finish!!

Unfortunately....... the work cited was just not sending back to me properly each time Kyle tried to send it!!! I was already started to feel fumes steam off my head!!! but I kept my cool for a few moments longer as I tried and tried to fix it.... For my essay a hard copy needs to be handed in as well as an electronic copy.... since I just could not align my citations properly kyle offered to send my essay with the citations electronically for the time being... but when he sent it he forgot to send the citations and it wont allow you to send another document! I was soo worried I thought i would have been accused of plagarism!! things couldnt get any worse, so i thought.. last night was a Slipper slope!.... after the fact that i sent my essay withought a citation I printed out the citation three times and it was not printing out properly to how i had it on the computer!.,,omg was i frusterated i was about to burst ... let me also inform you that it was now 2:30 am im the morning.... I let kyle sleep, and I kept trying... I finally got it aligned properlly and I attempted to try one more time printing it hoping it would print properl and what do you know.... I ran out of ink....


Now I just started cryin! I was so angry and fursterated but I think I cried because I was just way to sleepy!!!


anyways I didnt get to sleep till 5 and I woke up at 7 to go to school I had a longgg day ahead of me... thursdays Im at school from 9:30am to 4:30 pm it isnt too bad but when you're running on 2 hours of sleep... ya it is....


Thank Goodness my TA understood and allowed me to hand in the essay with out citations I just had to email her them citations.

anyways I left school ASAP after class (11:00 am ) and took a nap until 1:43pm... thenn things started turning around :)


I promised my mom we would spend quality time together when I get free time and since I did not go to school ... Mom and I spent the rest of the day together

we went to eat at Swiss Chalet and then went to the mall and bought my mommy a shall and looked for comfy shoes she could wear... that was hard and we didnt end up finding any shoes.

I also bought myself some 3 tops from forever 21 :) clothes are nice and very inexpensive! I recommend that place!

Right now, Im sitting with my mom and dad watching television.

Feeeling good :).

day 10- LOST the weight? no! lost the bet!

UNFORTUNATELY... I got fast food today! I hhave no excuses .... just regret :(

I had a turkey sandwitch at 12:30pm

3 pm had the devils foodd dun dun dunn...

and at 6:00 pm I had a salad and some three chicken wings


total of 3 glasses of water .... * I didnt even win the challenge of drinking a total of 5 watters!! lol boo


STILL DOING MY WEIGH IN on friday!!

day 9 :)

This morning I had three cookies... lol..... and milk....

then around 3:30 pm, I had a glass of orange juice

I did not eat until 5:30 pm, because of a busy day today! I had a chicken sub 12 inch whole wheat with light mayonese

a total of 3 glasses of water today



GOAL FOR TOMRROW IS A MINUM OF 5 GLASSES OF WATER.

late post for day 8

in the morning I had milk and 3 cookies lol the usual.....
gotta eat up those cookies so that I dont buy them again!


at around 4:30 I had a chicken sub from quiznos

At night I had rice and thats all

around 10:00 I had a bowl of palegranate seeds :)

total of 4 glasses of water

first Full week and weigh in :)

check out my weigh in slight improvement ! woo hoo!

First week :)!

A week has been officially completed of my diet challence!!!

DIDNT do too well... I will also post my weigh in soon :)

okay soo

This morning I had those damn fudgeos butttt i only had 3 and a glass of milk... breakfast should be your biggest meal lol...

anyways for lunch I had a 6 inch sub whole wheat with turkey and light mayonese


for dinner I had some fish :)! and one slice of garlic bread with tomatoes and boccocini


My dinner was pretty light...
and now Im having one Glass of water !

2012! dun dun dun!

November 15, 2009


Watched the movie 2012 with Kyle, Tania, Jen and their husbands! :) very intense movie I must say.... it also worries me! ahhh....lol








anyways right after the movie we all went outside to our cars and the sky was SO foggy! couldnt see a thing!! kinda freekyy since weather like that hasnt shown up in a really long time and it was out of the blue!!





so we snapped pictures lol of course!








heres the girls looking all so shocked!






It looks like there is a bunch of orbs surrounding us! kind of cool actually.

Day 6

November 14, 2009

First meal of the day was

a palm full of pasta

and some verdutta, and peppers :)

with three little potatoes and a chicken drum

2nd meal

two chicken drums and potatoes with past and peppers again!

ITS A SATURDAY LOL... I EAT MY NONNAS FOOD ALL DAY !

I also had a bowl of fruits with my cousin and nonna :) PICTURES TO PROVIDE !

at 1045, I went to watch a movie with Kyle and my cousin Tania, Jen and their husbands and I had a bag of glosset rasins...and a few grabs of popcorn

:( THE ENDING RUINED IT ALL LOL

so, whats the verdict?

Prayer

Dear God,

Please Take care of my family that I adore... take care of them while they sleep and while they are awake.
To My gaurdian angel(s) if you must protect me, You must protect those I love around me. Take care of my friends and family and Kyle. Rap your wings around them.

To those that I have quarrels with, please God, whatever fights I get into or grudges I may hold, I dont wish anything bad upon them and that I get the strength to be a kinder person each day. I am far from it but I try to take one step at a time. You know I love You and adore you. You know that each decision I make I think about you. Many times I choose not to listen, but I immediately feel wrong for doing so, I believe that m life is a test and its tested every day. I would do nothing more than to try my hardest to learn and be better person each day . I know Im suppose to challenge myself and do great things. But God, I know, I dont challenge myself... nor will I promise that I will because I do not want to break a promise to You...
I will continue to be kind and caring, and to people I encounter each day. I would love to donate and help the poor... But that road has not come yet for me, I dont have money to donate. I promise God that I work each day at school for a great cause and that I will make something pleasant out of my self the way you intended it.

Amen.

5 - What I ate

This morning I woke up at 9:00 to leave the house in a rush so I only had Fudgeo cookies and a bottle of water

My next meal was at 2:00 pm, I went out to lunch (Dessert plus) with my Parents and had a bit of salad (I couldnt finish it, two peices of bread and butter and parmigiana chicken as well as chalimari(spelling.)
Not really the best meal ...But I didnt eat too much after that! ....

Heres a picture of my meal when I considered my self finished so that you could see what I did not complete lol.

actually, my last meal was at 7:00 when I had 4 fudgeo cookies again! and a glass of milk I dont know whyy!! lol ....

My goal is to stop eating those fudgeos!!! lol

anyways total of 3 glasses of water :( not 8 like im suppose to ..



SO STEPH, I WILL BE LOOKING AT YOUR DIET OF THE DAY :) IN RESPECT TO THE REWARD ! LOL...



Next weeks game is as following.

• no fast foods at all!

AS SOON AS YOU BY ANY THING FAST ! YOUR WINNING OPPORINITY FOR THIS GAME WONT LAST!!! LOL

if you happen to break it, you do lose the competition so no reward for you! however, you will still be judged through out week... praised or scolded ...you know how we do :)

But after the week challenge of not eating fast food is completed you still need to take this one week cleansing from those delicious fatts as an important lesson! ... you must not eat fast food as MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CANNNN!!! ... its hard sometimes with the busy crazy schedules but you know when your bullshitting yourself, AND I will too lol... so Beware my Friend

Toodles;)

WOOHOO!

Got my self a weight tracker :) off tanias blogg xoxox... now I will see if there are any improvments orr dissapointments...lol... there better not beee!!

Family Days!

November 13,09

Lately, I have been going for dinners with my parents and I love it! Im so happy that I spend more time with my parents and I'm not running around like a young teenager with her head cut off! lol Like I use to be.

I know the dinners are not helping out my Diet plan lol but once and awhile doesnt hurt, plus! I barely ate alot this time!!

Heres a picture of me and mom! (dad snapped the shot).

We went to Dessert Plus where I had Salad, Parmigiana Chicken and a tall glass of water :)

SQUEEKY CLEAN LAB!

Nika was due for a Bath! so Dad and I washed her and I snapped the photo ha!

Nika is not a happy camper..

I found this Text sooo cute! it was from my friend Vanessa lol she planned a Homework day because we are nerds! but she sent me the cutest little picture ! Blogged it cause I loved it!

!

Nov. 12 Prayers

Dear God,

Tonight, I would like to pray for that poor lady who passed away from the TTC accident. I dont know much but I wish she is free from any suffering and happy again.

I also would like to pray for my friend who is expirencing a difficult time in her work place.. its something that is effecting her a lot and I can tell, I just hope things even out soon! real soon! and she is back on track.

For my Family as always and forever, I have always prayed for them and will continue each and every single night that they stay safe, healthy and happy and that if my guardian angels duty is to protect me, then my angel must protect my family before me.

My prayers have been answered from last night :) thank you for everything that you always do since I know that whatever happens in my life it is for a reason... I will accept everything God and I will always know You are there for me every step of the way.

Amen.

Yours Truely God, Jessica.

4 What I ate

10:00 am KFS popcorn chicken and fries with a "sip" of coke....







"horrible morning food yuk! but I wasnt feeling breakfast since I went to class at 9:30 am and I missed my craving for breakfast"








5:15 Pm Turkey sandwhich with no sauces and three cheese sticks

Total of glasses of water=4

last but not least I had popcorn at 8:30 pm (small portion)! AS I sat and watchdd a movie by myself

I didnt eat that much today, but I drank a whole lot more! ... Iknow the KFC was a horrible start :(

Prayer

Hello Everyone, this is my Prayer Diary....
Please feel free to leave me comments in support of my prayers! Also, I would be more than happy to support yours!




Tonight Im praying for my zia and zio and that he may recover. I pray that they overcome any obstacles and that God gives them the strength to. I pray most of all that they find Happiness and that from here on end things get better for the both of them.

I also Pray for Kyles mom and that she may feel better. I hope she recovers quickly also.

I Pray that my family has a safe sleep tonight and that they all wake up positive, uplifted and happy for tomrrow. God keep a close eye on my mother as well since she does not get enough sleep through out the night. Keep her rested.

Amen.


Jessica-Lauren.

He Promised!

Nov.11.09

"God did not say life would be easy, He just promised it would be worth it!"

3rd day! What I ate

at 12:00 Cream cheese bagel with a double double (cream)

I tried to ask for milk but it was too late! I couldnt ask for another order they would have thrown it out! environmentally unfriendly!!



not a great start to my day but I could still improve!

* keep in mind that I did not drink the whole coffee. a good amount spilled in my car and half I through out! so I drank less than half :)

around 3:00 I had two bites of a hot dog and a caramilk chocolate bar...
I know.. thats not very healthy...

I had one full bottle of water

at 7:00 I had pulenta(corn patty) with half a meat ball

at 9:00 I had 4 fudgeo cookies and a glass of milk...

YEA ... I KNOW... DIDNT DO AS WELL AS YESTURDAY, but it was a long tough day to eat health I had to grab whatever was around me ....
I know, I know ... no excuses

Tomrrow You WILL see a healthier diet !!

day 2 Food Intake

on the drive to school apprx: 12:15 pm, Half a Panino with turkey and mayo


after my class 4:00 pm, Whole wheat pita with grilled chicken, ztaziki sauce and honey mustered





1. ONE BOTTLE OF WATER...



For dinner 7:30 One breaded viel and some red peppers with a glass of water...

make that 2 glasses of water :)



HEY, didnt do too bad, could hate a lot heathier but made much progress from yesturday!!

First day! What I ate

November 9, 09

Today, Horrible start! but I gotta start somewhere!!

first meal 12:00pm : Cookies (6) and milk (1) Glass

horrible start lol


second meal 2:30 pm. Mc Chicken meal with a regular coke.....


third meal 6:30 pm one slice of bread peppers and three peices of potatoes...


bad start! I know ... all tthree of my meals were not very pleasant for the waist line!

Tomorrow is a whole new ball game!!

Great Idea!!!

Got this idea from Tanias Blog... Im going to monitor my eating habbits!! lol I hope this works!

cutting out the fast foods is my first priority and Stephanie, I know you will be reading this since your new to the blogging world and very interested

I thnk you should join me! Write down each time what you eat when you eat out and even what you just eat daily as will I :)

You come check on meee and I will check on you!!!

We will leave scolding comments or praise depending on what we eat!! and we will even award ourselvess does that sound like a plan???

Stephanie if you agree to this you are making a commitment ... please sign below :)

My Signature: Jessica-Lauren C.

Things I enjoy/ Things I dont enjoy

Time to reminisce for a bit until Kyle calls me :)

Right now looking at a magazine with Megan Fox on it..She is Beautiful.
it got me thinking about what I enjoy doing and that got me thinking about what I dont enjoy all that much ha!

So, inevitably, it led me to my trusty blog where I can gain my thoughts and jot them down quickly and excitably :)

So Here I go.

- Reading and looking through megazines, Fresh ones of course! ( got stay in touch with latest fashion) lol leads me to my next enjoyable thought...
- I like to imagine what I can have even if I dont have it e.g nice fashion from megazines, jet black hair and blue eyes, ehh hemm....(Megan)

- Scary movies attract me everytime! I love the and Im tempted to watch a scary movie no matter how horrid it may be! I thought I ruined my life watching Paranormal activity but I finally got back on track! I think the best advice to get over something scary is to watch another scary movie that you have already watched that has not scared you but you just liked lol... I did that and it got me back on track :) The orphan was my release... I love that movie watched it 4 times!

-I dont enjoy not being able to sleep, whether Im scared lol or I just have too much on my mind

-I enjoy dressing up and looking nice! I am not a jogging pants kind of girl right now, its been years since I was that much of a casual dresser, the closest thing to comfy jogging pants for me is tights.

- I wear a lot of black because I like to! Ive been told not to but it compliments me! as it would lots of people lol

-Love playing with my dogs face lol she hates it she rather get a good old belly rub but that bores me.

- I enjoy cooking :) Im confident when I cook and it shows !

-I like blogging now, I feel like it releases a lot of emotions I hold back.... so far I have been very extroverted but I will be blogging my deep deep emotions just for my eyes to see.

-I like laughing and enjoying each day with Kyle. Im happy I am with someone who likes to just have fun and enjoy each day like its our last.

- I dont enjoy selfish crude people and I dont understand why everybody just cant get along.

yes sometimes things are worth getting mad over, like if someone hurt a family member. But stupid daily things... can rearrange your life and make you feel horrible.. dont let it!

-I can easily be brainwashed but its task that will be overcome!

-I enjoy drawing:) I dont do amazing sketches but when I have lots of time I will paint pictures for my future home

-I dont enjoy that I feel clustered and that I never have time when I know I could make time.. I just dont know how ....

-I love pictures snapping them and being in them :) art is art and its everywhere

-family get togethers relieve a lot of stress I truely feel I can be my self around them.

-I love butterflys and Im dying to go to another butterfly park where they flutter all around you!
I went once for a very short period of time and it was in Newyork with my class so they rushed me! :(

-I love the summer.. how much longer? lol

-hate the winter, but enjoys skating so I will hopefull make the best out of it and make use of my blades that I bought 6 years ago and never used lol...

-I recently became fond of lipstick :) any color! I will work with it

-I enjoy painting my nails and color also

-I dont enjoy being on Video cameras I hate the way I look in them

-I dont enjoy dancing to music I cant dance to

-I love music though I sing alot lol

-Currently, Im reading Jens Novelr "Daughters of Eve" on her blog and Im really enjoying that!! great story line! mystic and Imaginative! perfect for someone like me who loves to day dream

-daydreaming is my specialty, I think I could do that all day.

- Love doggs and when I have a house of my own its Going to be like 101 dalmations lol but not dalmations...

- I dont enjoy animal cruelty and that humain society show kills me.

- I'm happy that I wrote a diary about my life and it has answered a lot of questions in my head and now I feel brand new.

- I dont enjoy people who dont know how to socialize with randoms. A simple smile while talking will do.

- I enjoy talking to god and listening to his replies

- I enjoy my Health class buttt

- I dont enjoy any other classes lol

-I dont enjoy that Kyle has not called me yet this whole time...

I will stop typing now but im sure then once I finish I will think of a million things that I like and dont like.

Toodles :)

Quote for this Moment

" Be The Kind of Person that when your Feet hit the Ground every Morning, the Devil says "Oh crap, She's Up!"

November 7, 09

Got this song In my head!!

I always feel like somebody's watching me... can't get no privacy! ..... It's been playing in my head cant figure out why lol... but today I had an over all good day :) went out with my friend Mel, got my passport picture taken, I LOOK HORRIBLE in it....its possibly because I always look very tired now... it bothers me alot since I am a self conscious individual to begin with... oh well I got myself some fake eye lashes! ... maybe that will help pop my eyes out for the time being :)... I neeed a slight change...well it did do something lol (as I look at my self in my bedroom mirror)... I think the only thing is I need more natural looking ones.

These eye lashes are actually very good for my eyes since it gives me a nice break from all the mascara I put on!

Picture of me with the neww lashes ;)

Nika joined me in the picture <3...

maybe even getting a few more zzz than I usually do will help me to look more alive lol.

ANYWHO.... I dont know what to post this entry as since it is a diary of my day and it does have some beauty tips!! bc eye lashes are very cheap if you find the right ones! walmart sells them for less;) lol 4 dollars ... I bought the 7 dollar ones bc i was just too excited... they do help to open up the eyes....

and also SLEEP!! 6-8 hours should be the maximum! you should not sleep more than that you will feel alot more tired.

also less then 6-8 isnt recommended either... you will also still feel super sleepy and look it !!

Best time to sleep is early 10-11 pm, 12 is ok too... and I know it seems impossible but try ! if you expect to go to sleep at 2 in the morning and wake up 8 hours after.. yes, you're getting 8 hours but you have over exhausted yourself from the previous day!! so you defeated the purpose.......

"Early to bed and early to rise makes a person healthy and wise"

Toodles ;)

Now I know Why...

This is going to be a confusing, touchy topic for me. I find it difficult to find the starting point or the ending point. But I actually feel that if I jot down randomness about my past I just may figure out the meaning to why I am the way I am presently.

There is no order to it. At least I dont think there will be since I have not begun. But for the past week its been on my mind(It comes and goes periodically) but I know that each time I think about it my stomach twists and turns for a reason. And sometimes I believe I have the answer and then at some points I forget why or how I came about to feel insecurities and doubts for certain reasons.

I have totally Blocked my past experiences out... its really surprising! I actually always think that im just THAT much stronger since I chose to ignore it but little do I know (that little that I do know makes me want to figure it out fully) is that it effects everything that I say, do, and act today.

I will start from my child hood:
about Age 5: I started feeling left out very easily. I was mainly a happy, hyper giggly child, but as one thing went wrong... that was the end of the road for that day ...I was down n out till the next day.

I guess possibly it was my environment? I grew up for a majority of my childhood In brampton where my closest friend was my cousin Adam on my dads side, he was my age, just 6 months older than me, and lived right across the street from me. I saw him everyday... his mom was my mom, my mom was his mom. okay cut it short now.. we got along mainly, except when he had any other friend around.....could that have been it?...

I would even go to my nonnas on my moms side quite abit almost every weekened but never as much as my cousins would. Could that also be why I felt left out? I dont know.

I use to also have a vivid imagination... at night I couldn not sleep... I was scared of everything! I use to literally see horrible looking things because my mind would be so active at night. My body wanted to sleep but my mind would not let it!.... this went on every single night uneless my mom would sleep with me... the downfall was that she didnt sleep with me often... I used to cry so much! give myself fevers... through up... further more... my dad was not every supportive... he tried everything with me except understand me. He would lock me out of his room... lock me in my room... and mostly hit me until I fell asleep. He forced my mom not to give in to me and my brother would also come and help my dad out to shut me up at night. I love my dad so very much and I understand that he had to work..he needed his sleep and I was such a nusence all hours of the night... I see that now, but maybe thats why I feel I am a burden now too??

as of right now, I dont feel left out ever! I dont have that chidish 5 year old mind like use too but it could have alot to do with the trust I have for others. Mainly relationships...

In Elementary school I felt like I had to live up to the life of a teenager... I moved from brampton in grade 5. Moving to Woodbridge was a WHOLE NEW BALL GAME. I was not the Jessica I use to be since day 1 in the bridge. Although, I could have been a lot worse. I thank myself a little more for that. Here in the Bridge, where I still live, appearance seems to be everything even for elementary students!... I mean come on... I know its a big issue over all these days, but I dont think My brampton school was the only school on this planet who believed being a grade 5 was about playing, laughing, being immature, and just living a stress free kind of life, right?

Anyways, first day I entered I was envied. Sounds akward, since they did not know me well enough to judge me, but they judged me alright. From what they could only see not hea...or get to know, just my external appearance... I had virgin hair, walmart clothes, no makeup, velcrow shoes.. and a school bag with no logo. That didnt seem like a big deal to me, actually to be honest.. I didnt even realise I was different until I went to highschool! yet, I was picked on and teased for being me from grade 5-8 ... dont ask me how I never noticed, I guess I never seen the superficial differences between me and the "rest".

Yes, as I got older I did end up dying my hair, and getting some what better clothes (I never knew where these girls got anything! lol seemed so hard to find)... but consequently, I got picked on more and more for trying to be like the rest.

Could it be that I feel insecure and have very little confidence based solely on my elementary school years?

Do I feel like im always judged because I was judged at such a crucial age where that shouldnt even matter?

I thought Highschool would be like that!.... I was totally wrong!

In highschool, keeping this part of my life short and sweet.. it was the best years of my life. I got credit everyday, I felt Good about myself because those all the guys and girls who did pick on me... could not stop staring at me now. I even had an incident where one guy came up to me and said "Jess, you're so pretty NOW" I could not help but to reply to that by saying " really? its funny because I was just the opposite of that less than 4 months ago". its funny how a transition from the summer to grade 9 of highschool can make a huge difference in some peoples eyes. I was always,always nice to everyone in highchool, never showed anyone disrespect. I'm happy I played my cards well in regards to friend- relationships. However its almost bitter-sweet the way I played my cards out with "boy"-relationships.

I was Conservative. I had my close friends. and thats that! ... paid no attention to guys. I made little mistakes here and there by dating one guy for a week.. didn't go anywhere infact, it only made me feel like I was being just like "woodbridge girls" which I intended not to be. Girls like them would date a new guy ever week or two. whatever.... to each their own...

But I had a plan. I wanted one guy for the rest of my life! I tried to have just one highschool sweet heart for the rest of my highschool year. My long gone ex boyfriend Alan...this can be a complex, yet touchy topic but lets just say with him came ALOT of learning and growing. I use to think he ruined my life! I use to think every little thing him and I went through was pointless... but if anything I gained strength from our experiences, so he will not be mentioned much lol....

It was after highschool when my second relationship introduced himself to me. NOW THISSSS is the juicey stuff.. The stuff where I believe all my flaws and insecurities manifest and do notihng more than just play over and over in my head subconciously. I want to make my self aware... I want understand so that I dont make the same mistakes I had before.

My first year of college, My younger cousin started dating a friend who then introduced me to his friend. He seemed perfect from the gecko. I kind of stepped all over what I truely believed deep down inside... yess... He was gorgeous.. almost too perfect for me to even imagine myself with.. as you can see, I judged the book by its cover, didnt even bother reading it...... With that came great responsibilty...

we kicked it off the very first day, he made me laugh he said all the right things, did all the right things.. it didnt feel real.. I even pinched myself when no one was looking....

I have always been a smart girl, I knew when a guy wanted to use me or when their intentions were bad. (why do you think highschool was a blast for me!? I never let myself get hurt! I was a very good girl, and I loved it!) But I stood a little too close to the edge this time.

I just got out of a quarrel with my on and off boyfriend Alan that i was with for 4 years in which we never really gave ourselves a chance to love eachother... and I felt like I needed a miracle. I prayed to God each night that I promised him I was would be a kind, innocent girl and I ask nothing in return but to find the right guy when the time comes... listen, I knew I was very,very young so I had no rush and I was totally content with the wait.

But suddenly, he comes along... it seemed like a sign especially when my own cousin, who I trust and love introduced me to him telling me he was a good guy. Im not blaming anyone but myself for not opening that book!! .. but I took her word... we started dating HE USED WORD LIKE I LOVE YOU SO QUICKLY but I believed it... I dont know why I did.. I never believe that word... its crazy.

I fell for him so quickly that three months flew by... and within those three months, it was a fairy tail with a heart ache... He gave me just what I wanted when I wanted, but at the same time he said and did many horrible things I was blind towards. I mean this guy knew so much about my past..Im still not sure how he did because he was from a total different area, but he would do the total opposite and connivingly evoke me to believe him....

he ended up breaking with me in an extremly harsh manner in which I do not want to get in detail with.. but I never thought that I, THE ONE WHO WAS SOO SWEETTT, WHO SHOWED MY KINDESS TO EVERYONE, would be treated exactly like a teen flick, which seems almost fictional!... It effected me immensely... especially over the years when I found out even more about him withouth him even being around.

after that break up he took off no niagara... far from me or anyone I knew because he knew he could not stay anywhere close to me for what he had done. within that year of the break up... a friend contacted me and told me he wanted to warn me about him..but he couldnt... anyways I did not want to know...

Another couple of years have went buy and just about a week ago he told me... I should have never chose to listen... it was chilling and I wanted to throw up everywhere...

he told me that My ex was in a relationship before me.. quite some time before me I must add...but "she broke hes heart" ... Being the weak boy that he clearly presents himself as, he chose to live the complete opposite life to never love agaib. The friend that told me was his previous friend and they both took on a life style where they litterally made rules and guidlines on how to play girls. They had a book where they were allowed to date so many amount of girls for only 3 months... and then break their hearts just like their ex gfs did to them... the rules were that
1)they are to treat them like gold... give them everything they ask for and everything they want
2)get them to fall deeply in love with you... heck!you're even allowed to share gfs if they are willing........

the only things they can not do is rape or beat the girls...

that was what their book consisted of...

So back to my point, they both played this game for 2 years, you could imagine how many girls they messed with within all those three months....

Another guy comes along rips my ex boyfriend away from this guy and they take off to do the dirty deeds that they just enjoyed doing to all these girls... and this was when this guy who told me everything.. he claims that he "changed" andthats why he wanted to let me know..Im sure hes got a lot on his plate... he definately has karma coming to him...

this other guy happened to be My cousins boyfriend at the time and thats exatcly where I get tangled up in the line and became just a nother number....


I have definately learned alot about myself right now... I cant believe it.. Im in a relationship right now... and yes I love him for all the right reasons this time....

Its not EVER about WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE not ever about WHAT HE DOES FOR YOU... It's about RESPECT and about TRUST .... well I have the respect part down packed ... its my trust that I truely have to say I doubt... I trust him as a person... I kno hes not that kind of guy.. In fact hes like no other guy out there... I just feel like anything can happen you know? like one day we can be so happy together and then "3 months later" ..... well you get the rest..


I just wanna be able to feel like Im a good person, I constantly feel like im always doing something wrong.. I want to stop that...I know I dont do anthying wrong.. I want feel like all these subconcious aspects that I just conciously brought to my attenion is just old news. That it really doesnt matter about them or what I felt as a child or whatever it may be.... I guess when you feel there is not support or your dad just didnt understand you at a young age then ya got nothin'


Although, One truely amazing thing that I just got to understand was that my past has condemed my present but learning about my past can change my future for the better:)...

2009 best Halloween ever!

WOW! what can I say... I had the best Halloween ever this year ... obviously....because I spent it with all the people I lovee!! My Family and Close Friends and my Boyfriend :)

I was missing two of my friends Vanessa and Melyssa wish you guys were at the party :(

I'm so surprised the Party turned out the way it did "Amazing" .... I never expected it. The reason for this is just because the party never felt that planned out and ususally people plan every detail of their party to make it perfect. A very Kind Friend of My cousin Tania through the Party(Jen)! but I didnt see much of her cause she was all over the place and then went to sleep!... I just thanked her for having me at the party and reassured her that it was a BLAST :) HAHA... We had strobe lights, lots of yummy goodied, drinks, and great music with a great dj(Angels brother). I love typing out my experiences because they help me reminisce.. This Year I was a Kitty Kat hehe .. I actually pulled off the costume well without spending on anything! just fake eye lashed and a little make up...

Here is a pic of me in Costume :)

I Have a few more pics I will most just to give the gist of the night :) ... but all I would like to say was my Family Can Party! and I love them to peices MUAH Picture of me And my Good Friend Stephanie :)^^^^^^ she was Lady Gaga! Perfecttt!!

My Boyfriend is here in this picture as a wolf! he was suppose to dress up alot more:( things didnt go to well.. Oh well! next year :)I took pictures with My beautiful lady cousins Amanda Tania and Lauren who I would not be able to live without!.... top one is Amanda as a Cave women! lol very hot one ;) And Tania as a Beautiful zombie! and Lauren as a Sexy Nurse lol muah love you girls xoxo

is my Dad as a priest and my dog as a devil... odd that they are very loving towards eachother you think? haha.haha My mom with a witch mask on, I think :S... anyways Shes beautiful trust me<3

Me and my boys above! Dad(priest) and Brother (soccer player) xoxox.

I COULD POST FOREVER!! I HAVE SO MANY PICTURES THAT EXPRESS THE FUN THAT I HAD... AND THERE ARE SOO MANY OTHERS THAT WERE THERE THAT MADE THE PARTY BUT THIS CHAPTER WOULD NEVER END IF I DONT STOP! HAHA... GREAT TIMES WITH GREAT PEOPLE IS WHAT MATTERS MOST! toodles:)