Now I know Why...

This is going to be a confusing, touchy topic for me. I find it difficult to find the starting point or the ending point. But I actually feel that if I jot down randomness about my past I just may figure out the meaning to why I am the way I am presently.

There is no order to it. At least I dont think there will be since I have not begun. But for the past week its been on my mind(It comes and goes periodically) but I know that each time I think about it my stomach twists and turns for a reason. And sometimes I believe I have the answer and then at some points I forget why or how I came about to feel insecurities and doubts for certain reasons.

I have totally Blocked my past experiences out... its really surprising! I actually always think that im just THAT much stronger since I chose to ignore it but little do I know (that little that I do know makes me want to figure it out fully) is that it effects everything that I say, do, and act today.

I will start from my child hood:
about Age 5: I started feeling left out very easily. I was mainly a happy, hyper giggly child, but as one thing went wrong... that was the end of the road for that day ...I was down n out till the next day.

I guess possibly it was my environment? I grew up for a majority of my childhood In brampton where my closest friend was my cousin Adam on my dads side, he was my age, just 6 months older than me, and lived right across the street from me. I saw him everyday... his mom was my mom, my mom was his mom. okay cut it short now.. we got along mainly, except when he had any other friend around.....could that have been it?...

I would even go to my nonnas on my moms side quite abit almost every weekened but never as much as my cousins would. Could that also be why I felt left out? I dont know.

I use to also have a vivid imagination... at night I couldn not sleep... I was scared of everything! I use to literally see horrible looking things because my mind would be so active at night. My body wanted to sleep but my mind would not let it!.... this went on every single night uneless my mom would sleep with me... the downfall was that she didnt sleep with me often... I used to cry so much! give myself fevers... through up... further more... my dad was not every supportive... he tried everything with me except understand me. He would lock me out of his room... lock me in my room... and mostly hit me until I fell asleep. He forced my mom not to give in to me and my brother would also come and help my dad out to shut me up at night. I love my dad so very much and I understand that he had to work..he needed his sleep and I was such a nusence all hours of the night... I see that now, but maybe thats why I feel I am a burden now too??

as of right now, I dont feel left out ever! I dont have that chidish 5 year old mind like use too but it could have alot to do with the trust I have for others. Mainly relationships...

In Elementary school I felt like I had to live up to the life of a teenager... I moved from brampton in grade 5. Moving to Woodbridge was a WHOLE NEW BALL GAME. I was not the Jessica I use to be since day 1 in the bridge. Although, I could have been a lot worse. I thank myself a little more for that. Here in the Bridge, where I still live, appearance seems to be everything even for elementary students!... I mean come on... I know its a big issue over all these days, but I dont think My brampton school was the only school on this planet who believed being a grade 5 was about playing, laughing, being immature, and just living a stress free kind of life, right?

Anyways, first day I entered I was envied. Sounds akward, since they did not know me well enough to judge me, but they judged me alright. From what they could only see not hea...or get to know, just my external appearance... I had virgin hair, walmart clothes, no makeup, velcrow shoes.. and a school bag with no logo. That didnt seem like a big deal to me, actually to be honest.. I didnt even realise I was different until I went to highschool! yet, I was picked on and teased for being me from grade 5-8 ... dont ask me how I never noticed, I guess I never seen the superficial differences between me and the "rest".

Yes, as I got older I did end up dying my hair, and getting some what better clothes (I never knew where these girls got anything! lol seemed so hard to find)... but consequently, I got picked on more and more for trying to be like the rest.

Could it be that I feel insecure and have very little confidence based solely on my elementary school years?

Do I feel like im always judged because I was judged at such a crucial age where that shouldnt even matter?

I thought Highschool would be like that!.... I was totally wrong!

In highschool, keeping this part of my life short and sweet.. it was the best years of my life. I got credit everyday, I felt Good about myself because those all the guys and girls who did pick on me... could not stop staring at me now. I even had an incident where one guy came up to me and said "Jess, you're so pretty NOW" I could not help but to reply to that by saying " really? its funny because I was just the opposite of that less than 4 months ago". its funny how a transition from the summer to grade 9 of highschool can make a huge difference in some peoples eyes. I was always,always nice to everyone in highchool, never showed anyone disrespect. I'm happy I played my cards well in regards to friend- relationships. However its almost bitter-sweet the way I played my cards out with "boy"-relationships.

I was Conservative. I had my close friends. and thats that! ... paid no attention to guys. I made little mistakes here and there by dating one guy for a week.. didn't go anywhere infact, it only made me feel like I was being just like "woodbridge girls" which I intended not to be. Girls like them would date a new guy ever week or two. whatever.... to each their own...

But I had a plan. I wanted one guy for the rest of my life! I tried to have just one highschool sweet heart for the rest of my highschool year. My long gone ex boyfriend Alan...this can be a complex, yet touchy topic but lets just say with him came ALOT of learning and growing. I use to think he ruined my life! I use to think every little thing him and I went through was pointless... but if anything I gained strength from our experiences, so he will not be mentioned much lol....

It was after highschool when my second relationship introduced himself to me. NOW THISSSS is the juicey stuff.. The stuff where I believe all my flaws and insecurities manifest and do notihng more than just play over and over in my head subconciously. I want to make my self aware... I want understand so that I dont make the same mistakes I had before.

My first year of college, My younger cousin started dating a friend who then introduced me to his friend. He seemed perfect from the gecko. I kind of stepped all over what I truely believed deep down inside... yess... He was gorgeous.. almost too perfect for me to even imagine myself with.. as you can see, I judged the book by its cover, didnt even bother reading it...... With that came great responsibilty...

we kicked it off the very first day, he made me laugh he said all the right things, did all the right things.. it didnt feel real.. I even pinched myself when no one was looking....

I have always been a smart girl, I knew when a guy wanted to use me or when their intentions were bad. (why do you think highschool was a blast for me!? I never let myself get hurt! I was a very good girl, and I loved it!) But I stood a little too close to the edge this time.

I just got out of a quarrel with my on and off boyfriend Alan that i was with for 4 years in which we never really gave ourselves a chance to love eachother... and I felt like I needed a miracle. I prayed to God each night that I promised him I was would be a kind, innocent girl and I ask nothing in return but to find the right guy when the time comes... listen, I knew I was very,very young so I had no rush and I was totally content with the wait.

But suddenly, he comes along... it seemed like a sign especially when my own cousin, who I trust and love introduced me to him telling me he was a good guy. Im not blaming anyone but myself for not opening that book!! .. but I took her word... we started dating HE USED WORD LIKE I LOVE YOU SO QUICKLY but I believed it... I dont know why I did.. I never believe that word... its crazy.

I fell for him so quickly that three months flew by... and within those three months, it was a fairy tail with a heart ache... He gave me just what I wanted when I wanted, but at the same time he said and did many horrible things I was blind towards. I mean this guy knew so much about my past..Im still not sure how he did because he was from a total different area, but he would do the total opposite and connivingly evoke me to believe him....

he ended up breaking with me in an extremly harsh manner in which I do not want to get in detail with.. but I never thought that I, THE ONE WHO WAS SOO SWEETTT, WHO SHOWED MY KINDESS TO EVERYONE, would be treated exactly like a teen flick, which seems almost fictional!... It effected me immensely... especially over the years when I found out even more about him withouth him even being around.

after that break up he took off no niagara... far from me or anyone I knew because he knew he could not stay anywhere close to me for what he had done. within that year of the break up... a friend contacted me and told me he wanted to warn me about him..but he couldnt... anyways I did not want to know...

Another couple of years have went buy and just about a week ago he told me... I should have never chose to listen... it was chilling and I wanted to throw up everywhere...

he told me that My ex was in a relationship before me.. quite some time before me I must add...but "she broke hes heart" ... Being the weak boy that he clearly presents himself as, he chose to live the complete opposite life to never love agaib. The friend that told me was his previous friend and they both took on a life style where they litterally made rules and guidlines on how to play girls. They had a book where they were allowed to date so many amount of girls for only 3 months... and then break their hearts just like their ex gfs did to them... the rules were that
1)they are to treat them like gold... give them everything they ask for and everything they want
2)get them to fall deeply in love with you... heck!you're even allowed to share gfs if they are willing........

the only things they can not do is rape or beat the girls...

that was what their book consisted of...

So back to my point, they both played this game for 2 years, you could imagine how many girls they messed with within all those three months....

Another guy comes along rips my ex boyfriend away from this guy and they take off to do the dirty deeds that they just enjoyed doing to all these girls... and this was when this guy who told me everything.. he claims that he "changed" andthats why he wanted to let me know..Im sure hes got a lot on his plate... he definately has karma coming to him...

this other guy happened to be My cousins boyfriend at the time and thats exatcly where I get tangled up in the line and became just a nother number....


I have definately learned alot about myself right now... I cant believe it.. Im in a relationship right now... and yes I love him for all the right reasons this time....

Its not EVER about WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE not ever about WHAT HE DOES FOR YOU... It's about RESPECT and about TRUST .... well I have the respect part down packed ... its my trust that I truely have to say I doubt... I trust him as a person... I kno hes not that kind of guy.. In fact hes like no other guy out there... I just feel like anything can happen you know? like one day we can be so happy together and then "3 months later" ..... well you get the rest..


I just wanna be able to feel like Im a good person, I constantly feel like im always doing something wrong.. I want to stop that...I know I dont do anthying wrong.. I want feel like all these subconcious aspects that I just conciously brought to my attenion is just old news. That it really doesnt matter about them or what I felt as a child or whatever it may be.... I guess when you feel there is not support or your dad just didnt understand you at a young age then ya got nothin'


Although, One truely amazing thing that I just got to understand was that my past has condemed my present but learning about my past can change my future for the better:)...